


Welcome to the Enterprise (HIATUS)

by fiction_is_my_escape



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: But inspired by WTNV, Gen, I Don't Even Know, WTNV crossover, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 11:12:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiction_is_my_escape/pseuds/fiction_is_my_escape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Tribbles are not vhat zhey seem. Velcome to zhe Enterprise.” </p><p>When a drunken Chekov somehow manages to find himself broadcasting to the entire ship, he never realised what could result from one simple incident. Strongly inspired by Welcome to Night Vale. I suggest checking it out, it's amazing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to the Enterprise (HIATUS)

**Author's Note:**

> “Tribbles are not vhat zhey seem. Velcome to zhe Enterprise.” 
> 
> Drunk!Chekov, WTNV!ST comedy crossover thing. Possible Chulu in later chapters or maybe just sarcastic comments about it. 
> 
> Also, one main OC who is the Steve Carlsberg for Chekov. Hope you enjoy, feel free to leave suggestions and be prepared for gratuitous Welcome to Night Vale references.

The console room was nice. Old-fashioned, perhaps, but beautifully quiet and empty. It made so much sense to wait here. No one could see him right now, not when he was so giddy. Sulu had given him a grin and told him to wait down in engineering, preferably out of the way. He’d be back soon and they couldn’t be caught with their prizes. No one was technically allowed to drink the board. None of the crew were allowed, let alone the underage ensign.

Thin fingers glided idly over the coloured switches, flicking some on and ignoring others as he waited. The door was tightly closed behind him, a code keeping anyone out. It didn’t look like anyone was going to come in here. No one had come anywhere near this room recently if the lack of lights on the control board was anything to go by. All of that slipped into his mind as he kept pressing buttons, barely watching what he was doing. The buzz under his skin was still foreign but slowly more and more enjoyable. He couldn’t stop a small laugh bubbling up for no reason at all, fingers bumping buttons he didn’t want to press as he shook lightly. Everything was just so funny. This strange room, this situation, the out-dated microphone. So ridiculous, so hilarious.

It had a strange texture against his fingers as he pulled it towards him, carefully trying to stop the base scraping the console. He failed but he still tried and in his intoxicated mind, that counted. Vague memories of bizarre recordings his mother had listened to flooded his mind, forcing another giggle out of the ensign as he played with the microphone cord idly. Perhaps this strange equipment was what they had used to make theirs.

He could barely swallow the sudden gale of laughter burning in his chest as he moved the microphone carefully, trying to position it carefully as he dragged the chair closer to the console. He didn’t notice the glowing lights, telling the drunken ensign that this wasn’t just a private joke anymore. Anyone could hear him. That didn’t register in his tired mind as he chewed his lip for a moment, trying to think of how to start.

“Tribbles are not vhat zhey seem,” he intoned, swallowing the last of his giggles as he tried to take this seriously. “Velcome to zhe Enterprise.”

He grinned, contemplating what he could continue with as he played with the microphone cord tapping his hand. No one could hear him, not to the ensign’s knowledge. He could say absolutely anything he wanted with no consequences.

“Hallo listeners. I hope you haff all had a vunderful day on our wessel,” he drawled, eyes wandering the small room before returning to the wall in front of him. “Ve had wery leetle engine issues today, zhanks to zhe vork of our vunderful engineering staff. Don’t forget, vithout our hard vorking red shirts we’d surely be doomed. Zhank one if you haff a chance. Zhey’re sure to appreciate it!”

Once he started, the words wouldn’t stop. They just flowed from his brain, spilling from his mouth to the microphone in front of him. It was fun. A bit stupid, extremely ridiculous, but fun. That was all that really mattered to him right now. A little bit of fun. He could say any stupid thing he wanted and it wouldn’t matter.

“And now, a quick reminder from out medical staff. Zhey can’t halp you. Not if you keep screaming like zhat! In a statement released by Chief Medical Officer, Doktor McCoy, he reportedly said, ‘The screaming is terrible but the blood on top of that? Dammit Jim, I’m a doktor not a cleaner. You haff to stop zhis bullshit!” Zhe rest of zhe conwersation, sorry, report, report, sorry, vas obscured by many noises vhile zhe doktor started vork. Zhe moral of zhis story vould definitely be not to annoy zhe man who has to fix you! Please try not to bleed too much in sick bay eizher. Ve vouldn’t vant to cause more trouble for Meester McCoy.

In ozher news, the Keptin announced today zhat zhere vill be a new program to start ensuring all crewmembers are ready to defend zhemselves if need be! I know a lot of you vould probably be zhinking, ‘Ve don’t need zhis. Zhat’s vhat security is for.’ Da, I know. Zhat’s vhat we zhink, but who are ve to argue? Zhe Keptin is zhe Keptin and he makes zhe rules. If he vants us to take fitness lessons and veapon tests, I’m sure he has a perfectly good reason, da? Zhat’s vhat I zhought.”

Another pause crackled along the internal com as the Russian ensign thought carefully, trying to decide what else he could talk about. None of it was serious, after all. He could make any stupid joke he felt like. All of the little sarcastic comments he had been dying to make for months could be blurted out with no consequences and he took a breath, trying to sift through the comments and deciding where to start.

“And now, listeners, I haff a secret,” he announced, voice bubblier than it had been merely moments ago. If he was going to do this nonsense, he was going to go all out. “A certain helmsman vill be assisting vith zhe new training assessments and if you ask me, he vould definitely make attending vorthvhile. Vhile he von’t be doing any vork vith his katana, sadly, he vill be halping vith speed testing and some small demonstrations on fighting hand to hand. Zhis vill undoubtedly be a wery impressive experience. It may be mandatory anyvay but if you vant to see Helmsman Sulu you should aim to make it during beta shift! Ve all know how busy he is during alpha shift, halping make sure zhe Keptin’s orders don’t lead to a crash. He is a wery good leader but his naweegation skills leaves somezhing to be desired.”

He swallowed a laugh, taking a moment to let his voice slip from the extreme girly fan tone he had adopted. That was just starting to hurt his throat and he had finished talking about him anyway. No matter how many comments he felt the need to make about their supposed relationship. That may not have been the best option but he couldn’t resist snarking about it. Now it was time to make up something more interesting.

“And now, a vord from our sponsors.

 “Do you feel confused? Do you feel lost and alone? Do you vonder vhy you’re spending your life in space? Ewer consider zhat zhis whole woyage isn’t for you? Please, feel free to attend zhe ship counsellor’s office. Zhese feelings vill not halp you and zhe wery best zhing you can do is wisit zhe counsellor. You vill change your mind after just on wisit, trust me. Ve on zhe Enterprise just vant to halp you!

“Now, listeners, ve move onto some general news. Some of it you may already haff heard zhis but zhat doesn’t change zhe fact zhat some of your fellow crewmembers probably haffn’t. Try to be considerate and listen closely. Zhere may b some zhings in here you don’t know eizher. Now, first zhings first.

“Doktor McCoy varns zhat on zhe last avay missions a strain of Zelorian flu vas brought onboard. It is not wery dangerous but could stop you from vork for a few days. If you feel any strange itching, deep lasting bone aches, hoarse throats or zhe coughing of blood, report to sick bay. Zhe Doktor says a simple waccine vill fix you and you vill be able to go back to vork sooner! Zhis waccine also needs to be administered as soon as possible, before zhe growths start. Harmless growths, I assure you! Just wery ugly.

“It vas reported by a faithful informant zhat zhe Keptin vas spotted attempting to corner our science officer shortly after alpha shift. Zhe information is scarce but he vas apparently snapping about zhe Commander’s lack of empathy. As you know, listeners, Wulcans are renowned for zheir logic and seeming inability to feel. Zhis, howewer, does not mean anyone should yell at one about it, no matter who zhe Wulcan is to zhe individual. Zhis is weally wery inadwisable. Doktor McCoy has impressed zhe fact zhat annoying zhe ‘green-blooded hobgoblin’ is not a good idea and anyone who does so vill not receive any sympathy. Not ewen zhe Keptin vill be exempt from zhis and if you vould like to awoid a few more sick bay trips, you might vant to follow zhis adwice. Don’t annoy zhe Wulcan, no matter how fun it seems at zhe time. Zhe consequences vill be most unpleasant.

“Vhat else? Ah, yes. Zhe replicators are currently malfunctioning again. Due to zhis, zhere is a temporary ban on vheat and vheat by-products. Vhile nice and simple, zhis new replicator issue makes it a wery less appealing idea. Engineer Scotty is vorking on fixing zhis as ve, vell, I speak. Hopefully, zhis vill be rectified soon so ve can continue vith our normal eating routines. It shouldn’t be too difficult. Mostly timely. Time consuming. One of zhem.”

He paused, listening for a moment to the comforting hum of the Enterprise that surrounded him. It was normal and relaxing, even with the buzzing energy bubbling under his skin, making his fingers tingle as he rested them on the edge of the console. He could do anything. Absolutely anything like this. No one could hear him. He could say absolutely anything with no consequences. No one was going to find out what he was saying and that made him feel so unbelievably free. He could say anything. It wouldn’t matter.

“And now, I haff anozher secret for you. A wery important one.” The ensign’s thin fingers curled tightly around the cord of the microphone, mimicking a movement he’d much prefer to make on a certain someone’s neck. “Kyle Wauxhall. Kyle Wauxhall is zhe ensign who zhinks he is qualified to naweegate our beautiful wessel. He is vrong. He is not qualified to naweegate himself! Ewery time he touches my console I haff to spend half my shift trying to fix it. He is completely impossible to vork vith and I cannot see vhy zhe Keptin refuses to replace him!”

His glare was almost strong enough to burn a hole in the wall as he disgustedly shoved away the thin cord, watching it hit the edge of the desk as his face twisted in a dark scowl. That damn ensign messed up everything, from his control panel to their course. One little digit could change the entire course and it drove him insane. All he Vauxhall needed to do was pay a little more attention and they wouldn’t almost die every other day.

He was about to lean forward to and continue his tirade when a sharp knocking on the door he’d almost forgotten about interrupted his thoughts. Sulu. It must be Sulu, here to announce that he’d secured the rest of their stash and it was time to get somewhere a little bit more secluded. That was all it could be.

Grinning, the ensign bounded out of his chair, barely managing to keep on his feet before quickly crossing the room. The control panel was mashed and slid open, revealing just the man he was expecting and one he wasn’t thrilled to see in his condition. Judging by Sulu’s face, he wasn’t pleased about this either.

“K-Keptin,” he stuttered, trying to look as innocent as he could as his brain furiously ran through any possible explanation for why he was here. Had Sulu been caught with the alcohol? Was he in trouble for being in the room?

“Interesting broadcast there, Ensign,” he mused, voice neutral but a slight smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “I’m sure Bones is gonna be interested in how you heard that conversation.”

Blue-green eyes looked between the two men in front of him, puzzlement filling his features and mind before his friend brushed past him, lightly bumping against him, and heading to the controls the Russian had just left. It all made sense the second one of the switches was flicked the pale red glow faded quickly. A pale red glow that should have warned him what was going on.

“Sober up and report to my ready room tomorrow morning, before Alpha shift. We need to have a talk about this.”

The ensign nodded weakly, watching the man walk away before his best friend wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders, squeezing lightly. Then he was gone, heading out of the small room back into the noise of engineering. Tomorrow morning was going to be terrible.

* * *

 

“Ensign. Sit down.” 

Chekov hesitated before doing so, pulling anxiously on his sleeve as he waited for the list of punishments. He wasn’t meant to be in the room. He’d mocked his Captain, his higher ups, and had broadcasted it to the entire vessel. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was confined to quarters or some other punishment that took him away from the bridge.

“You willing to do that again?”

His head snapped up, meeting the amused grin of Kirk and the bright blue eyes, empty of anger or irritation and he practically melted into his seat. He wasn’t in trouble. He was allowed to do it again, if he wanted to. It was sort of fun, really. It wouldn’t be too bad.

“Yes, Keptin. I am,” he assured, nodding slowly as Chekov watched him cautiously. “I may not be zhe same as last night but I kin do somezhing like zhat again.”

Kirk nodded, accepting that, before countering, “You’re going to have to stop mocking Bones and Spock though. Can’t say they liked it much. And throw in some actual news, not just gossip. The crew loved it, that’s why I’m not going to punish you for breaking quite a few rules. So. First thing’s first. You get together with Sulu, organise a schedule and a news system. After, alpha shift, of course. Get back to me with it and then you can broadcast.”

The ensign nodded quickly, face splitting into a wide grin, before leaping out of his chair the second he said he was dismissed and bolting to the bridge, slipping into his seat and grinning at his best friend. Nothing had gone wrong. It was kind of fun to do this broadcasting thing. Maybe this was a good idea.


End file.
